Posts tagged ‘SAHM/D’

June 1st, 2011

onward and upward.

hellooooooo out there.

weird.

yep, weird.

took me a good four tries until i got the password right on this wordpress login. yikes.

it’s been a while my friends.

from time to time the thoughts typically flowing wildly in my head come to a hasty halt. why, i’m not really sure.

i can speculate, from living inside this here skin for THIRTY years now, that my brain has a threshold. a limit that once exceeded ceases to run on overdrive.
instead it goes into only-things-completely-necessary-auto pilot. like keeping children alive and healthy and happy and thriving.

like going to the grocery store once a week, making mortgage payments and a million and three other minute but all encompassing tasks.

throw in weeks of single parenting, a string of migraines, medicinal meltdowns and major career changes and, welp, here we are.

but last night as i lay in bed, clean sheets, freshly showered with the wind from a fan lapping my legs, i started to type in my head. and i knew that today i would write again. about what, hard to say. but here i am.

first and foremost the thing that, right now, i am most excited to share with you is that i have found a cure for the eczema destroying my hands! (ok, yes i have and i’ll get to that in a minute) my husband just landed a super kick-ass job and i am so seriously proud of him.

the most modest, hard working, talented and loving person i know. i am honored and humbled to be married to, and raising children, with such a man. congrats babe, i love you and i’ll always back you up. can’t wait to see you make those hawks soar.

and yeah. i found a cure for the incredibly annoying and totally icky eczema that has been plaguing my hands for the last year. and, of course, in the most unexpected of places.

i’d given it time. i’d retired my wedding rings to my jewelry box and walked around feeling single and doubly knocked up totally naked. i’d chalked it up to stress and time will heal. i did, at one point, get a prescription for a steriod cream which was the consistency of petroleum jelly (with exactly the same, lack of, absorption ability) with instructions to NOT GET ON FACE and use only for two weeks at a time. for eight days i slabbed the stuff on my fingers, crawled into bed, propped my hands up and out the way of anyone or anything else and did a few hail mary’s that my hands would steer clear.

it worked. for three days. and then the worst ever case bubbled and spread it’s way devilishly across my hands.

and then last week, while visiting family in NH my mom and i happened across a jewelry store and a woman who told us to go see george at the apothecary. he had a special serum that would work.

so we did.

the apothecary, keene, nh

and my mom bought me a little vat of formula #219 for $20.

and it goes on smoothly and soaks right into my skin and smells like peppermint. and oh yeah, it worked. like really worked. after only a few nights i am once again hitched, toting two flawless, you’re a pissa work decorated, fingers.

you see, it’s all about the little things these days. eczema you are officially checked off the list of things to figure out.

and in keeping with new jobs…i am starting to really fall into a rhythm with mine.


in all honesty, it did take a couple of weeks to loosen up. to not feel like every second has to be spent doing something of measured value.

to sit, guilt-free amongst pots and pans and spatulas on the floor in the kitchen with my band not worrying about time or emails or phone calls.

my children are my biggest accomplishments. the best parts of me. and i have the chance to truly soak them up. to teach them and show them and learn from them the things that are most important in this world. all day long.

yes, even when it’s really hard and there are no breaks and i’ve somehow found yet another answer to the four hundredth and fifty eighth “why?” of the day.

truly, there have been many more momentous happenings. like my son turning three and his mama turning thirty. like an amazing girls’ weekend with some of my favorites on a lake in new hampshire. all things that really are worthy of their own post. and just might be given the opportunity if this auto-pilot continues to stay off.

i hope you have all blissfully exited spring. onward and upward to summer.

April 27th, 2011

this gal’s gotta fly.

earlier today i resigned from my position at work.

after five years and five months, one marriage, one home, one dog, two children (umpteen beta fish, minus one dog) and the majority of my 20′s gone, it was time.

to those of you reading this who have supported me throughout the years, my co-workers and colleagues, thank you. you will be truly missed. but this gal’s gotta fly.

somehow the unplanned timing of my last work day falling four days before my thirtieth birthday makes this decision feel very serendipitous indeed.

and in keeping with my news today, comes an article i stumpled upon…

…What about you and I? What if you had more trust in the possibility that what you are seeking is seeking you? What if you had the courage to trust that what is being stripped away in your life, and in the world’s, is necessary for a greater sense of collaboration, awakening and harvesting? What if we accepted that life is impermanent, and that what must be lost in order to be found?

Tonight, no matter where you live, go outside. Move amongst the elements. If the moon and stars are out, note their splendor. If they aren’t, lay down the burden you’ve been carrying and simply breathe in and out, for free. Imagine laying down your troubles so that you are free to dream again. Imagine what it means to be free, to live joyfully, wholeheartedly, free to dance again beneath the moon, for no particular reason other than the fact that you can and are still here. When you do, know that I am dancing beneath Mother Moon as well, thanking my lucky stars that the two of us are together, in this moment, neighbors sharing the same ground and sky. I am so grateful that we are not alone.

you can read the article, “How to Relax More and Stress Less” in its entirety here.

one of my favorite all time quotes from a card i once received reads,

i am here on purpose.

pretty sure, right now, this is mine.

remember this post from last month? done.

welcome big bad thirty. i’ve been waiting a long time for you. and i have never been more excited.

July 21st, 2010

imperfectly perfect.

it’s truly unbelievable how a house with two small children, one mom trying to work from home, keep the number of toys on the floor at or below 1,000, the dishwasher loaded, the kitchen counters crumb-free – ok, i think you get it – can go from good, to manageable, to totally and utterly out of control.

take  monday morning for example. i am on the phone with someone from our corporate office going through a cash flow statement. no biggie. phone to cheek, toddler hanging off one leg, baby dangerously close to scaling the staircase – this is routine, and doable.

but then a few moments later came the dreaded words, “uh oh, mommy” followed by a waddling, almost (operative word here) potty trained 2 year old.

and i wondered as i knelt down to pick my son’s poop off of our hallway rug and wood floor what this lady on the receiving end might do if she had a visual to go along with the audio. it takes a seasoned professional to simultaneous clean human feces, keep a 10 month old out of the infected area, hush a too loud toddler from trying to explain why his poop is now on my floor instead of in his potty (while trying to poke and inspect it – trust me, it’s real) and carry on a work-related conversation.

i so deserve a raise. (vic, i know you’re reading this.)

and i know that blogs are way more fun to read when there are pictures involved – because really, who can stay stimulated long enough to get through these things without a picture to break things up. but trust me. you’re much better off with only the words on this one.

chances are i hadn’t showered. wait, let’s be honest, i definitely had not showered. and was absolutely sporting the outfit i had gone for a run in just an hour earlier complete with sweat stains, blood and dirt (from the baseball field pit stop – for said toddler to run bases – gone awry).

it’s all about deception, really. trying to paint a picture of idealism in a world of total chaos. but really, when it comes down to it my world is ideally chaotic. or chaotically ideal. however you want to slice it.

and later that night as i snuck away to put my little girl to sleep it hit me again – how lucky i am.

and because this is just too sweet to handle, and because this blog is my kids “baby book” and i want to remember these things…

we rock in a chair while she nurses. i stroke the little arm closest to me as her fingers trace the outlines of my face; my cheek, my lips, my nose. i bend down and kiss her sweet head, let her intoxicating aroma fill my nose, my lungs, my soul.

when she’s had her fill, i stand and she lays her head on my chest; nestled in snugly under my chin. one arm under her bottom holds her up and the other wraps around her back – rubbing and holding. and her tiny toes sweep across my legs – when did she get this big?

i cock my head to the side and catch a glimpse of her face – the rhythmic motion of her pointer finger rubbing the top of her nose as she sucks her thumb, eye lids heavy and closing.

and the past few days i started whispering to her. saying out loud the thoughts i have always had but was too afraid to utter in the perfect stillness of her room.

i tell her how much she is loved. what light and wonder and amazement she brings to my world. i promise to teach her the really important stuff: to be kind, and wise and confident in the beautiful skin that is her own.

and i hold her as long as i can, which is inevitably too long. until she squirms and wiggles and leans towards her crib.

i kiss her one last time and whisper in her ear. she nestles into her cozy bed, belly down, butt pointing towards the heavens.

quietly i tip toe out and into the hall already anxiously awaiting our sweet reunion in the morning.

and so goes the cycle – from hair pulling, poop cleaning, sweat stained days to nights like these. and back again.

imperfectly perfect.

March 16th, 2010

tuesday bluesday

the house is still. there is no movement beyond my fingers upon this keyboard and the quick shallow breaths of a dog laying in the sunshine of the doorway, panting. the sky is blue, the clouds are low and long like brush strokes from a water color. they have a name, clouds like these. my friends becky and ro would know. nimbus, maybe? or is that just a janet jackson song…

jackson cried himself to sleep again this afternoon. after several minutes of in and out of the crib with its new toddler rail, and finally a leg throwing tantrum alongside the door, i decided to turn the crib around so the toddler rail side was against the wall. and wallah, from toddler bed to baby crib once more. to say i’m done with the screams and tears and general boycotting of naps and anything sleep is an extreme understatement. it’s been, oh 23 months. come on magical 24, i know you can show me the sleep. please?

most babies fall asleep to the quiet hum of a fan or the sweet melody of a lullaby. nope, not mine. since her fourth day on earth she has been lulled to sleep my the screetching, flailing, mirror-shattering screams of her big brother. good lord imagine what the long term side effects of this could be. ok, can not go there. must.think.positively.

the one thing i do know is that harper is the happiest, most smiley and aware little being that i’ve met. so whatever terrible things listening to her brother screaming day and night could do, she seems to channel and release quite well. but it also seems quite clear that these two little people already have their own little language. so, maybe in his own way jackson is apologizing and letting her know that he does it only to torture his poor parents. and obviously, harper thinks this is just devine as she giggles and smiles and enjoys every minute of it.

i’m so being onced-over, aren’t i? or i suppose twiced-over would be more accurate.

oh mother f*&^#$, here we go. it’s been 32 minutes. hello again toddler whimpers, i’ve missed you so.

breath.

breath.

breath.

although you feel so frustrated you could just snap…

breath.

the sun is shining, spring is near. this is good. there are skinny cows in the freezer. this too, is good. it’s american idol night; i must go on. the mortgage has been paid and i’m thinking turkey burgers on the grill for dinner. it’s the little things that keep my mind busy and these mis-matched feet moving forward. 

breath.

breath.

anyone interested in a smallish, green eyed almost two year old?

ok, that was wrong.

breath.

my 32 minutes of heaven is up. even the dog has roused and wandered over for some water. one doesn’t need to be a dog whisperer to know she’s also thinking, oh mother f*&^#$, here we go.

that’s my random, no- real-meaning post for today. just another day livin the dream.

boy could i use a martini and a yoga class. preferably together, thank you.

Tags:
July 13th, 2009

daddy-loving boy

i need to get a new book on the developmental stages of toddlers. i have a few that touch on them, but nothing that has really delved into the everyday nuances like i need (any suggestions?).  it has been really interesting to watch jackson’sinterest level in mom vs. dad over the last several months…obviously his closeness and ‘need’ for me was really strong when i was nursing him and actually continued on for months after. i remember the time (although it is fading quickly) when only momma would do.  only momma could provide the best hug, the cuddliest embrace and the remedy for any and all ailments. i vividly remember justin leaving for a week in march; i was so nervous that when he returned jackson wouldn’t really notice or seem care that he was back and justin would be hurt. when justin walked in jackson was napping but had just started to stir. he went upstairs to get him (almost before acknowledging me or taking his shoes off, thank you very much) and when they came down it was the sweetest, most heart warming sight. jackson would not loosen his grasp from around justin’s neck. he clung to him with all his might, then pulled back to look him in the face with a BIG smile then back to the choke hold. it was so clear what he was saying: dad is that reallyyou? oohhh, i missed you! both of my boys were beaming and i was super relieved and unbelievably touched by their love.

somewhere in the last 4 weeks or so this momma obsession has slowly lessened and in it’s wake has come forth the strongest, most infatuated love affair for a daddy that i’ve seen. as soon as justin walks through the door, i’m total chopped liver. jackson follows him around the house with his arms up until justin reaches down for him. i might be standing right there too, but i might as well be a picture on the wall. when we went on vacation last week it was the first time in several months that the three of us had been together 24/7 for over a week straight. and because justin is the thoughtful, stand-up guy that he is (smile) he took on a lot of the jackson-ing. from feedings at 4am and rising at 6am to playing on the beach and in the house while i slept til 7, sunbathed and twighlighted he was super dad. and the already there preference for daddy grew and deepened. let me say that this doesn’t make me jealous, mad or sad in the least. honestly. i have never once watched my son and my husband and wished anything different. and trust me, i wasn’t sure that would always be the case: because i think it’s more common than not for one parent to feel either jealous, or neglected, or unimportant when children come onto the scene…guess we’ve just managed (so far) to keep our obsession with our son and our obsession with each other separately strong?

this morning  justin was mowing the lawn (with our neighbors mower (thank you joe) because ours, which we got free from the dump 2 years ago (don’t ask), has started sputtering and smoking and smelling like a boat (kinda yucky but equally satisfying in that bring you back to the summers of your childhood way) and jackson and i were upstairs getting ready to go to the grocery store. not that pinning a 14 month old down to change his clothes is ever easy, but today was especially hard because the sound of the mower was resonating through our house reminding  jackson of one thing: his dad was not here, but out there.  so i stood him on his toy shelf and let him watch  justin out the window…

pic-0065

pic-0066

pic-0069

i’m sure that soon enough his obsession with momma will be back in full swing but until then he’s a daddy-loving boy . kinda like the puppy loving pigeon (hilarious, must read: or so i think but not everyone gets the humor).  what about you momma’s reading? have you noticed a serious swing in the parent  infatuation with your little one(s)? do you think there’s a difference in parent/kiddo relationships  between SAHM’s or SAHD’s (stay at home mom/dad) and those who work outside the house? let’s just chalk it up with one of the many things we can commiserate about, right? drop me a message, hannah@tothemoonnback.net, or leave a comment here; i’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences. and if there’s a good book, or website, out there that’s helped you tap into your toddler’s little noggin, please share.


Better Tag Cloud