blogs have been coming a little less often lately. for many reasons, i’m know. so when in the midst of a basket of laundry folding i started typing in my head – the words rolling out faster than i could remember and store, i abandoned ship. or basket.

i often find myself coming back to this quote – which i found via my cousin emily – because of it’s empowerment, it’s sureness, it’s reminder to live fully here and now. no matter what.

You see, I want a lot, maybe I want it all: the darkness of each endless fall, the shimmering light of each ascent. -Rilke

lately i’ve been in a tough spot.

and i’m feeling the need to share some of my struggle; the journey that is my life. because that’s what writing and this blog has been for me. a release; a medium to let things out and to share the glorious catastrophe that life can be.

these struggles are mine alone. i am not sharing them for sympathy or empathy or any other feel sorry for me reason. i’m sharing because i don’t pretend to live in a castle surrounded by marshmallows, riding unicorns and eating bon bons.

that and i don’t believe in the word settle.

which in and of itself can be unbelievably challenging.

insert here: i have two healthy, thriving children. i have a job. my husband has a job. we own a home and are able to pay our mortgage. there is food on our table and clean sheets on our beds….

for all of these things and countless others i am eternally grateful. but with them alone, i am not happy. enough.

so this is my struggle. the on-going battle that i share with so many people. to be happy. to live this life to the healthiest, most fulfilling, most enlightening extent. to not push things away or down or under a rug for another day. they are not gone. they will re-surface and with vengeance.

and from the wise words of my momma, this is all good. this is hard. this is so unbelievably hard. but this is good. just think of the woman you will be when you’ve moved through.

lately, some of the hard things:

lost.
anxious.
lonely.
sad.
angry.
bitter.
un-fulfilled.
overwhelmed.
out of place.
yuck.

which sounds like a commercial for prozac. i know.

but the good news is, i am feeling these things. and articulating them. and working on them.

and slowly but surely i’m beginning to think that my mom is right. and holyhell am i looking forward to that day…

…when my breath is easy, my heart is light. the richness and blessings in my life are never shadowed or hindered.

it will come.

so my message today is that i am not perfect. far, far from it.
and although the blessings in my life are abundant, right now my journey needs enrichment and nourishment.

and there is no other option for me but to honor that.

and lastly because sometimes in order to feel attainable things just need to be simplified…

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches. -Alice Roosevelt Longworth

wherever you are on your journey, know you are never alone. that there is always a way to improve and shift.

and understand that maybe sometimes we need the endless fall to see the shimmering light.