this morning i had a serious me moment. as in, for the first time in a long time i remembered and re-kindled a feeling i used to have pre-kids. the person i used to be – and as it turns out still am. 

the trigger was breaking out the case logic cd binder. you know the one from back in the days where you used to insert the album sleeve on one side and the actual cd on other. well, it’s full of the me music. the theme songs of my life at 19 and 23 and 26 and every year in between.

and like most of us, that music brings me back to the places, people and life that has shaped me. and so it is me.  and because my ipod (circa 2005) doesn’t work anymore and more accurately because my life has been too crazy too even think about music (really? i know, that’s so freaking lame) i have gone without. except, that is, for a few totally awesome mixes that a couple of awesome gals have sent me (thank you l and r).

today i cleaned the house. and i always  do that. but today i cleaned the house with the case logic open and the cd player a crankin. and at one point – during a jill stevenson song – i started dancing. and it felt better than anything i’ve done in a really long time. 

i danced in every room. and i sang at the top of my lungs. and doing this released something deep down inside. something that, for a brief moment, erased my children, their toys and pictures. it removed my wedding ring and stripped me of a mortgage. it took me down to a simple place and time; a green hippie dress, bare feet and maybe if i squinted really, really hard a blue vw eurovan parked in the driveway.

i rememebred the taste of what it was like when i was my only responsibility. and damn was it yummy.

and because i wished someone was here to photograph this joyous site, but remembering i was gloriously alone, i propped my camera on the tv armoire and put it on auto timer.

 i never want to know what life without my children or husband would be. it would not be a life, that i’m sure.

i am however, trying to get a little more of me into my life. the microscopic cells that came together over the course of 9 months in 1981. the ones behind these amber eyes, under this pink freckled skin and double-stroller pushing hands.

the past few years have been the hardest, most selfless and unbelievably rewarding  of all my 29. i have been knee deep in lansinoh cream, poopy diapers, goldfish crackers and toothless grins. it has been blissfully traumatic.

today might be the new chapter of the life of hannah. one dedicated to round-the-house dancing to natalie, joss, jill, sarah and ani sans makeup, children or husband (preferably wearing hippie dresses purchased in the ’90’s from the lilith fair). that and getting back to all the other really important and amazing stuff i did before 2008. um, wait. i seriously have to think on that one. what the hell did i do with myself before 2008? seriously?

i will not be in baby/toddler mode forever. i will get back to me. or to a me-mixture of old and new and all that i am now. and it looks like today might be the day.