what i  have had  is the urge to enjoy and soak in all the wonders of my daughter. to stare at her for too long, to whisper in her ear, tell her stories and breath in her sweet scent. i have wanted nothing more than to squeeze my son and tell him i love him every second he’ll allow. to sit on the floor and drive his trucks, find the kitty at the end of the “doggie book”, pretend to be bumble bees and “ting” each other. to ride bikes in the driveway and take trips to the playground. to sing songs, eat snacks, wait for the school bus to drive by, poop on the potty, and re-arrange the lazy susan contents. i have selfishly been enjoying the last two months at home; creating memories with my family, falling in love with my daughter; adjusting to life as a mother of two, under two. and although i have felt wonderful-happy, relaxed and really present (which for me can be a struggle), life is definitely different…

the blurry-ness of 2 under two

the hardest part, emotionally, of transitioning from a mother of one to a momma of two has been my relationship with jackson. the first several days home from the hospital he was very angry with me. he wouldn’t give me a hug or a kiss or show any sign of affection. when he looked at me the pain and anger in his eyes was absolutely heart wrenching. justin was jackson’s primary care taker, his playmate, chef, bath giver and tucker-inner. i was here but in the background, caring for harper. try as i might to be involved with jackson i felt disconnected, both physically and emotionally. thank god, somewhere along the way this has changed and we have re-connected on all levels. i make sure to take lots of time to devote all of my attention to him, to squeeze him and kiss him and watch as he explodes into a bright, loving, comedic, caring, and sweet little boy. i have never been so proud…that is, except when he’s kicking the dog, or whacking her with a bat…