Am I going through a quarter (ok, plus 3 years) life crisis?
Maybe it’s the fact that my husband’s baseball team has been playing 5-6 games a week since February 20th and most of the daily/nightly care of our household and son has been my responsibility. Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve been pregnant for 15 out of the last 22 months and my poor body is overrun with hormones. Maybe I’m lonely. Maybe it’s because I live in a state/town that I’m not particularly fond of. Maybe it’s because my job suppresses me; it offers no challenge and little stimulation. Maybe it’s because I have a small toddler who still wakes up at night, lately 2-3 times, and I have a newborn coming in less than 14 weeks. Maybe I’m seriously loosing my shit.
The conclusion I came to last night as I tried to fall asleep is that I truly can’t tell which feelings are real and which are merely a culmination of many different things lumped together. That maybe the issue is that it was Thursday and those fiery pregnancy hormones peak towards the end of week? Maybe I’m at that all-too-familiar stage of pregnancy where my belly is bulging, my clothes don’t fit, my self confidence has flat lined and a simple compliment or kind word (not whilst rolling in the hay) would make me feel stronger and empowered.
Maybe this time next week I will have turned a huge corner and I’ll look back at these words and think, “that crazy ass woman”. Truly, I think that is the case for some of these ‘crises’ but the bottom line is that I am in need of a change; in need of some support and some accomplishment outside of parenting and householding.
This brings me to the newest notion holding my brain hostage: moving back to New Hampshire. The reality is that I will soon have two small children, a full time job and a husband whose career takes him away from home very often. I have a handful of friends here, but none of whom has or will be able to provide the same support as family. Now let me also say that I am not looking for a band aid. I don’t think that living within earshot of my mom will solve everything, nor do I want it to. But I do know that being able to drop the kids off at Nana’s so Justin and I can go out for a date, or having Grammie and Grandpa over for dinner to break up the monotony of a week parenting sans daddy, would be phenomenal. It might make the difference between keeping my shit in a neat little package or loosing it for good. Not to mention the fact that we not only love our family, but really like them. You chuckle, but really I bet that isn’t the case for many, many people. Within a 30 mile radius we have dozens of family and friends who we want to really know our kids and vice versa. We have cousins who have started families of their own; how great to have our kids all grow up together creating memories and becoming friends. See, we share more than last names and grandparents. The legacies we share are a powerful force; they should be embraced, cherished and nurtured. We are, after all, so, SO lucky and I know how easy it can be to take it all for granted.
So, this should be a breeze: find new jobs, sell our house, buy a new house, find daycare, start over. Easy for me to say, I have a job I would leave tomorrow and will-power the size of Africa. Justin has spent years establishing himself as a coach and he has one of the best jobs, as a first assistant, in New England. He has worked harder than I’ve seen anyone work and it has paid off. He has recruited the best few teams that UConn has ever seen. He has fine tuned his ability to work honestly, openly and professionally with players, families, fellow coaches and administration. He has created a profound name for himself; one that conveys knowledge, honesty, merit, capability and trust. Coaching is his true passion and he is tremendous at it ta boot. I would never suggest or ask him to give this up, but I also need him to acknowledge the much different place I am in.
Reality is, we’re not moving to New Hampshire next month or next year. I need to figure out how I can be happier in all facets of my life. For this I need the help and support of my husband and my family. I know it is my journey and I know I will figure it out. Sometimes it just feels like the cards are stacked against me and I don’t know where to start. But I need a change, and I hope I’m able to make one happen…not just for me, but for my children and Justin and our life together.
Maybe I just need a red sports car….
…perhaps a red minivan will suffice. Sigh.
Whoever came up with that movie title, “The Pursuit of Happyness” was pretty wise. Here’s to pursuing our own happiness, whatever that looks like, and trying like hell not to loose our shit in the process.
