at this time 12 months ago, it was 10:47am on april 30, 2008. justin and i were in the recovery room at st. francis hospital googling in awe at this tiny (well not quite) combination of the two of us. a combination, obviously, but an individual nonetheless; a baby boy with a round nearly-bald-head, a sweet button nose and full, rosy red lips. a little man with huge hands and long feet the most wonderful buddha belly imaginable. a baby boy named jackson everett who has been amazing us, humbling us and overjoying us ever since.today as i sit and reflect on the past 365 days i am quite full of emotion. i have endured more stress, heartache and uncertainty than at any other point in my life. i have felt my heart drop to my feet, i have buried my head in my hands and wept, and then moved to a pillow when the sobbing got too loud. i have doubted if i am really cut out to be a mother. i have worried that i wasn’t doing enough, doing too much, trying too hard or maybe not enough. i have made countless sacrifices so my son would not be lacking in any way. with that said, i’m sure that part of tj maxx’s reported loss this fiscal year is directly correlated with my halted shoe and what-not shopping habit. the only hair cut i have had since january 2008 was in my neighbor’s kitchen by her 17 year old first year cosmetology student niece. who, by the way, cut one side a good inch shorter than the other and “couldn’t see it”…

but in between and alongside these trying moments have been the best, most treasured, most meaningful seconds and minutes of my existence. i have watched my son grow into a strong, healthy, loving toddler. i have encountered hundreds of smiles, hugs and kisses. i have wept with pride and screamed with delight watching as my son rolled over, crawled and took his first steps. i have rocked my son to sleep countless nights with him gazing into my eyes and resting his tiny palm on my chest. those nights, in particular, i would like to freeze in time forever. i have watched his smoky blue eyes light up and his tiny lips mouth, “dada!” as the door opened and justin came home. i have laughed and laughed with my son at his silly expressions and priceless antic dotes. i have wept with pride at the wonderful father justin has become and how much love he and jackson have for each other.

this morning we made apple and strawberry pancakes and stuck a big ‘ol number 1 candle in the middle of jackson’s stack. he smiled and screeched with delight (he is mildly obsessed with fire) and i’m fairly certain said a meaningful, thoughtful wish before i blew out the candle. i showered and cleaned up while jackson and justin packed for justin’s notre dame series. in the shower i could hear the pitter patter of feet above me cruising from room to room. when the water shut off the pitter patter got louder and with it came the familiar toddler babble i love: “yaaayaayaa”, “babadadaba”, mamaaaa” dadddddaaa”, “eeeyyyyy”. i could tell from his steps and the strength of his voice where he was and even what he was doing. every few moments justin’s voice would chime in, “be careful bud”, “jaaacksooon”, what do you have?” where’s your bat?”. for a moment i sat in my towel on the edge of the tub, belly bulging out, listing. i thanked God for all the blessings in my life.

today, i am the proud mother of a one year old. the wife in a marriage surviving it’s first year of parenthood. i am a stronger, more confident woman than i was 365 days ago. i may have a few more wrinkles and few less pairs of shoes but my heart has quadrupled in size. thank you to everyone who has been a part of this amazing year; we couldn’t have done it so successfully without your love and support.

happy, happy birthday to my darling boy. i love you so much.