for the first nine (ish) months of h’s life she slept near me. on me. with me. snoogled right up in that perfectly carved out baby-head-niche between your upper side arm flabby thing, a sweet smelling arm pit and a leaky boob. perfect only for one thing – a newborn who begrudgingly can not shimmy back into the depths of your nether region (or, in my case, slit of your abdomen).

and then the nine month mark hit. or so this is how i remember it? how damn tricky of our bodies and minds to so discreetly remember to make sure we forget those insanity moments months…holymother the power to ensure procreation is a powerful one, eh?

so yeah. then she slept. like 12-14 hours a night. for fifteen months straight.

until this past monday. when a series of unfortunate events scared the absolute shit out of her and thus have made all of our lives a living hell.

first, we went to the zoo on our way home from NH. a cow? bull? other large black animal? got it’s head stuck in a huge hollowed out stump. the zoo staff (comprised of the local junior high school) freaked. the cow-ish animal freaked. it swung it’s neck up and around and i was sure it was going to snap in half.
go figure, although we tried to maneuver out and away, my kids freaked.

all was quiet in the swagger as we cruised south when four crotch rockets blazed past us going a buck thirty and two sleeping babes – still very much in trauma mode – were wrenched from slumber and screamed the duration of the trip home. lovely.

at home we regained some security. read some books and hunkered down for naps. three minutes and forty two seconds into door closure, h started screaming and when nap or night time is the subject, hasn’t stopped since. just for the record today is saturday.

we’re predicting she’ll be snoogled right into that perfect for a toddler space in the middle of our king sized bed until next spring.

but tonight as i danced from our son’s bedroom – soothing, assuring him that his sister is ok (her sleeplessness is by far most upsetting to him) i cried tears of absolute pride (which followed tears of absolute what the fuck do i do?) over what was unfolding…

as i laid beside h in our bed, the faintest of footsteps shuffled in. j rested his chin on the mattress and looked at his sister. with the biggest, most caring eyes he talked to her. he told her not be afraid of cows with their heads stuck. or dogs that barked. that our house was safe. with doors and windows and a mommy and daddy who wouldn’t let a cow or dog inside. or a lion or a skunk.

he described his comfy bed and how much he liked to sleep in it. he reminded her of her comfy bed and all her sleeping friends waiting for her.

then he asked her if she wanted to have a camp-out with him. his bed was so cozy that he needed it, but she could sleep on a mattress on the floor.
when she quickly replied, no thankem jax. no thankem. he understood that the floor was too scary.

so he gave her his comfy bed and he slept on the mattress on the floor. although, as predicted, she lasted two minutes and twenty three seconds before wanting to go back to mommy and daddy’s room he remained on the floor. in case you you want to come back, h.

after a few minutes of muffled cries she fell asleep with fourteen of her closest sleeping friends, snoogled in our bed.

the hardest, hardest, most gratifying moments of my life are unfolding. hourly.

truly, i’m not sure how to help h. i believe that she was scared – that on that first day she awoke with a start in her room and has been afraid of sleep since.
i also believe that she has honed in on some of her big bro’s sleep prolonging habits: i’m thirsty, i’m hungry, i have to pee, i have a boogie, i need you to wipe my tears, put the blanket back on. winner of most unique tonight goes to h with, i want to eat some strawberries.

my thoughts? god really doesn’t want us to have another baby. and so he’s asked h to do her part in sleeping between us for the next ninety three months or until erectile dysfunction, whichever happens first.

if you have any thoughts, tricks, help, suggestions…please have at it.

and now, i must go fight pink horsey for a spot in my big comfy sliver of the left side. good night.