to be honest, i really don’t like valentine’s day. i guess as a kid, and now having kids, it’s kinda sweet; we made a trip to michaels and bought ribbon, puffy stickers and the like to make our own valentine’s for our friends at jojo’s. and jackson asked to bake cookies to bring to share at snack. ok, you’re right. mommy can’t shake this sugar addiction brought on by the pregnancy of yours truly, harper mckenna. the sugar cookie idea was all mine. but jackson enjoyed it almost as much; stirring the ingredients, nibbling on sprinkles and stealing bites of batter.
but all the other stuff, roses, chocolates and teddy bears. yuk. all i’d like is a nice card, thanks. which, as it turns out is just what i got. a really nice card and a green light to search and pick out the pendants i’ve been talking about since jackson’s birth. sweet! at one point in the evening justin asked if something was wrong. guess i was being kind of quiet? i responded that i wasn’t sure, just felt like kind of a weird day. he hit the nail on the head with, ‘ too much pressure on valentine’s day to be more mushy, ass-grabby, and happy?’ yes, totally.
i’d rather the kind of day like yesterday, when after the fourth time of overhearing justin squeezing jackson and whispering i love you in his ear, i stopped counting. or like last saturday night, over some seriously needed margaritas, when we re-enforced the pact to be each other’s biggest supporters. to stick together and be proud of each other and the life we’ve created. even when things aren’t perfect, are hard; are really hard. days like these are my valentine’s days.
but in keeping with the month of february; of pink and red, of love, hearts and sugar, i wanted to write down some thoughts about a certain someone and a certain song that sealed our hearts, our marriage, and continues to offer wisdom, support and guidance. watch out, this might get slightly sappy…
one time a long, long time ago…at band camp. ok, sorry, couldn’t resist…it was summer circa 2001 (i think), justin and i were doing our own thing, living in different states, dating different people. trying out our hand at the early twenty-something thing. he was playing ball on the cape and i was at home living with some friends for the summer. we kept in touch but were keeping our distance. one day i heard the song i’ll back you up by dave matthews; like really heard it. it resonated on so many levels and seemed to say exactly what i was thinking. to me, it was a sad song. a song about closure and moving on but about pride and about love. i put it on a cd and sent it to justin, along with a card that he still has (which i read sometimes for a good cry). here are the song lyrics:
I remember thinking
I’ll go on forever only knowing
I’ll see you again
But I know
The touch of you is so hard to remember
But like that touch I know no other
And for sure we have danced
In the risk of each other
Would like to dance
Around the world with me
I’ll be falling all about my own thing
And I know your the heaviest weight
When your not here that’s hung
Around my head
And your lips burn wild
Thrown from the face of a child
And in your eyes
The seeing of the greatest few
Do what you will, always
Walk where you like, your steps
Do as you please, I’ll back you up
I remember thinking
Sometimes we walk
Sometimes we run away
But I know
No matter how fast we are running
Somehow we keep
Somehow we keep up with each other
I’ll be falling all about my own thing
And i know your the heaviest weight
When your not here that’s hung
Around my head
And your lips burn wild
Thrown from the face of a child
And in your eyes
The seeing of the greatest few
Do what you will, always
Walk where you like, your steps
Do as you please, I’ll back you up
obviously, sometime after that summer we made our way back to each other. the song always a favorite and one that brings us back to that place in our lives and the love that was always there. when the time came to pick our a wedding song justin suggested it right away. it took me a while to come around, to re-read the words from this new place; a place of happiness and of potential. on september 3, 2006 we danced on a slippery, muddy dance floor in the middle of a big tent encircled by our loved ones and promised to back each other up, forever.
for the past several months i’ve been struggling with lots of things surrounding our career choices, the family we’ve created and what that means for us all. i’ve been fighting feelings of sadness, loneliness and bitterness thinking about the approaching months without much of an at-home husband and daddy. and although, yes, these things are hard, i’m realizing (and trying like freaking hell) to be more optimistic and positive. and the biggest reason for this new found surge of optimism? an amazing guy who grabs me in a bear hug and holds me tight and tells me that we’re going to do this together and for each other. i don’t believe many people, but i believe him and i believe in us.
and when it came time to create justin’s valentine’s day card i found myself coming back to some familiar words…
And in your eyes
The seeing of the greatest few
Do what you will, always
Walk where you like, your steps
Do as you please, I’ll back you up
and once again i find myself interpreting these words differently; they no longer symbolize a love that once was, or one that is new and blooming. today they symbolize a love and a life that we have created together; that we need to massage gently, and work at greatly. it’s not always a glamorous ride but when you have someone to back you up, it’s a hell of a lot easier not to mention totally enjoyable. really, what good is living life any other way? we’re only here this one time (well, that we remember) so shit, let’s have at it.
happy month of love. go out have a few too many margaritas and re-connect. or if a box of russell stover and a teddy bear is what does it for you, that’s good too.
